Things aren’t better.
Probably worse.
And god, I am so unhappy, worthless, and tired.
Tired of my life, tired of m mood, tired of not feeling like I belong.
5 years later and shit hasn’t gotten any better.
What’s the point?
So, since the last time I posted I have gone out on a date, had great days at work, and….
Well, it’s a start.
I have no clue what is going to happen with Mollie. She is nice and cute and available yet I hope I’m not jumping at the first woman to show attention. Need more dates.
Work is busy but man, the days fly by. I get into a groove and the day is over so quickly.
Then some days I am like Brooks.
On Facebook I saw someone posting that they needed extra softball players. so I gave him my number. I got asked to play on Tuesday! So excited. Got all pumped up, got to the field, stretched, tossed the ball around to warm up and even had my name on the batting order (batting 8th in RF). Then MINUTES before the game starts a couple of players that haven’t been showing up DID show up and I could see the coach was wondering what to do. I offered to take off, maybe next week.
DANG IT, LUCY!
Then a couple of days before that I found out a guy I was in the Marine Corps with and was going to have a surprise birth day party for him in Colorado and I was seriously thinking of going…well his dad is going in for surgery so he’ll be recovering and that means the party is called off. I was hoping a weekend with him and his friends would be something different, something good for me.
DANG IT LUCY!
Then, lastly, I have found a great job. Wonderful schedule, love doing what I do (making sand cups for testing molten metal…way too complicated to explain here!). I get a 3 day weekend every week, working 4 10-hour days yet still getting off by 3pm. The people I work with are nice and friendly. Yet, the steel industry isn’t doing very well so we are slow. It’s going to pick up again (they say) but will it take 4 weeks or 4 months (or longer)?
DANG IT LUCY!
Throw in Laura falling off to the side by really not keeping in contact with me I feel like…
DANG IT LUCY!
I hope things turn around. Not looking good as of today (6-4-15). Tomorrow is another day but every tomorrow has been the same as every yesterday. I NEED A BREAK!
And someone kidnap Lucy.
I’m tired but I am happy. Not happy but not depressed. Who knows how long it will last. So odd, how I can be on the verge of tears for days and now I am happy, nothing bothers me, and want to see how life will pan out.
Please, leave me alone sadness. I don’t want you around anymore.
But it will be back. It always comes back.
But what if it doesn’t? What if I am free of the pain, free from the weight of 5,000 lives. God, that will be so nice. I want to enjoy life. Really ENJOY it.
Please leave me alone, sadness.
It will be back, like always. Just give me a little time like this. Please?
I think I found a webpage to help me. Heck, it’s a start. I need help.
http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2013/01/06/ptsd-after-divorce/
There were 15 different symptoms of PTSD from the Mayo Clinic. I said YES to 13 of them. THIRTEEN! My life is a total mess. I was very low about 6 months ago. I’ve gotten better since then but no way to being fixed.
Soon. I hope.
I feel guilty.
Watching the pre-race events and they had a story of an Army Specialist that didn’t make it home alive. I am a Marine that never got shot at. I never shot my rifle in anger. I am a Vet by definition but dang, I didn’t earn it like others have. I can say all the time I was still a cog in the military machine but I still have that feeling.
Feeling of not being enough.
casca946 